Out of Control
Some of you guys I will allow to continuously surprise me because I find you quite amusing. When I’m so exhausted and I’m sitting in a public area and you make my head click to the side then roll into a tumble onto my shoulder, that’s okay. I get a kick out of it every time. It is a delicious wave of sleep that just rushes over. So, there is some uncontrollable drooling that my chin never asked for, but it feels good. Embarrassing, a tad, but still worth it. Keep on rocking.
However, the feelings and emotions that arise upon seeing an old crush or high school sweetheart. You guys have got to stop. Granted, it is sort of humorous and the sensations that overcome our entire bodies are a pleasurable rush. But sometimes we don’t want public exposure of those things we would like to keep within. It’s when the red colors rush to your cheeks and your heart falls to the bottom of your chest and then slaps onto the pavement. You take big gulps and swallows and then you start to stutter. Not a word is uttered. Just heart palpitations echoing through your trachea. Seriously. You have got to stop. I need to appear normal and cool and not like my heart has been struck with little arrows and hearts. It’s as if my organs are signing “I ♥ You” all over and then publicly displaying it. Really, enough.
Then comes movie time. A real tough one. I have to make sure that no one is around when I watch anything. Someone says “I love you” and I sob hysterically. Someone makes a joke and I fall off my bed laughing. There is suspense and I am clutching my blanket over my eyes, shuddering. There is horror and I am holding my breath and wishing I would loosen my grip on my own palms. There is any sadness and I silently weep. People die and I shake with oceans of tears. IT IS NOT EVEN REAL FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE! What is wrong with you. These people are all living merrily with drugs and marriages and divorces and marriages again and babies and more babies and adopting babies. They are occasionally killing themselves too- but you know, that is from extreme happiness, wealth, and fame. But they are fine, so why am I not fine? Leave me alone and let me watch without all of those reactions so that I can sit in a theater with OTHER people.
You’ve got to get your priorities straight. I am good with the butterflies in my stomach from passion and love. But I am not good with the waking up in middle of the night from the jolt and grabbing onto the mattress. It was just a dream that I fell off the bed or down the stairs. Why am I still gripping the sheet like I am plummeting from a tower. I hate the heart-skipping-beats and the hollow feeling in my chest when I miss people. Absence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder not shatter and fall to the bottom of the cavity. It isn’t going to work the same anymore.
I need my heart whole and functioning properly. I don’t need it to be broken. I need to be able to face people and appear like I am sane. I can’t crumble into a heap every time someone, who you claim that I really like, passes me by. You even make it happen when I only think I saw them. That is crazy. Leave me alone. Please just go away.
But you wont stop, will you. I am writing this and getting all the feelings in one sitting. Just thinking about thinking about it. Incredible. Your powers are bizarre. Well if you wont change, then at least let me have some sort of warning in advance. This way I can act accordingly.
Thank you for your time. I do love the butterflies, though. Keep them coming. ƸӜƷ