My brain is completely overloaded with fresh ideas. They were racing back and forth since four o’clock this morning, and I could not get them to pipe down as much as I begged. To be honest, it has been a really long time and I enjoyed the plethora of thoughts, although I was definitely not able to keep up with them. About 4 amazing posts, with proper punctuation and exceptional vocabulary, crossed my mind and I could not get my self to turn over to jot them down. The baby was lying on me and I did not want to budge or startle him.
So now, I am stuck with a hodgepodge of ideas and I will have to arrange them into paragraph form. It is funny how when I am thinking of my posts, I actually say ‘comma‘ in my head. (Honestly, comma, I really do. period) At a quarter to six I could not deal with the burden of words any longer and decided to get my butt out of bed. I was cold and dreading it, but soon enough I hopped off and forgot about the cold. I took a enjoyable, long, and peaceful shower and once again got flooded with gushes of brainstorms.
I took a shower BY MYSELF which is a rara avis (as is that word, I know. But I got you to check it up, didn’t I?). There were no little males poking their heads around the shower curtain asking me about the female anatomy or staring in wonder. There were no brawls and bickering that I had to end from shouts in the shower. It was just me and my cogitation. And of course, let us not forget, the long hairs that get tangled in the most unusual places. Now, I am happy to say that I have come up with a New Year’s resolution.
Even though, I am tempted to say that it would be to sit here daily, at six in the morning, such as now, eating a donut with a glass of milk, I will not. I would like to reform my lifestyle by changing my sleeping patterns. To hit the sack (ouch! who in their right mind made up that saying anyhow?) after the kids are in bed, and to wake up at the crack of dawn. I will shower and write my blog without any disturbances. Only total and absolute serenity. Then, after getting the children off to school, I will nap for a bit and finish up my daily chores before they get home. I should be able to commit to this for about a week, steady and strong, and then forget that I ever said it. Sounds about right for a resolution.
Now, for one of the reasons why I have not written in quite some time… About five months ago, I signed up for a preparatory course for my country’s equivalent for the SAT’s, the psychometric test. I have never taken the SAT’s and so the fact that I am told that this is significantly harder, is based only on the common belief and not fact. However, this test I can assure you is based on logic which I can safely say, I do not posses. You teach me knowledge, and I will know. Logic has to be there from the beginning and by me, it was left out. I think too much and logic is just known without the thoughts processes that overwhelm me regularly.
Being out of school for decades did not help the situation. The highest grade on the test is an 800. I started off my first test with a 499 and without any reviews. So it can not be that hard to get a five hundred. How each additional hundred points is added, is beyond me, but many people seem to do well in the 700 range. Universities require this test and each with their own idea of an acceptable grade. To get into medical and law schools you need to get above 750 and it’s highly competitive. Pharmacy school, you need a 700 and nursing schools generally range between 520- 540.
I love medicine and can not go to medical school. It would be too time-consuming and I already have time-consuming by having three kids. And I really enjoy research and so the happy medium seemed to be pharmacy school. So I joined this course with my head held high and my dreams of success. That was until I took that first test. I realized over the course that I could hardly juggle being a mom and wife and student for shorter than part-time classes, let alone a full-time 3-4 years of pharmacy school in a different language than my mother tongue.
I did homework when I could and studied whenever I had a free moment, but it was not nearly enough. Being a perfectionist, with the need to ace everything I do, did not help the situation. I was stressed out and was not excelling in any areas. I was being an awful mom and an absent wife and a below average student. Every day, I tried to talk it into myself that it was the decision I made to have children first and so I must continue with what I started and get a job that does not entail years of school. I just did not have them. The words did not help me very much.
Finally, yesterday I was able to breathe again. I took the test and did the best that I could, considering my life and my blessings. I came home overwhelmed by blog posts and this is just where I had to begin. At the beginning. The beginning of a new life with new ideas. The world is my Pinctada maxima. This is the largest pearl-bearing oyster and most like my world. It was difficult to crack, but beneath the hard shell, I have found my pearl. My children and my husband are my most cherished possessions and whether or not I could have gone to school before they came around, that is not the case now. I am going to have to find something else to do that does not entail giving up on my pearl.