Juggling Momhood and Failure
I don’t handle failure well, or I should say, I don’t handle it all. The scores came back from my, SAT equivalent, Psychometric Test. Even though I agreed to accept the fact that a full-time mom, full-time wife, and full-time housekeeper, may not attain the highest of scores, the words were all said in vain. I could not hear them, no matter how hard I tried.
It was an easy task to talk it into myself, however, obviously not as easy to believe it. I let the idea of the grades escape my mind and had not thought about it for a month. I was told the grades were in and I was DEFINITELY not prepared for what I saw. I had felt pretty confident after the test and got fairly decent scores on the practice exams. Nonetheless, the score reflected nothing but my failure to multitask mom and student.
I admit, a few tears were shed to say the least, but I feel heartbroken more than disappointed. I am generally presumptuous by nature and I am unsure how it was so quickly and easily devastated. Just looking at the score, I saw much more than just the numbers. I saw an unsuccessful future.
I would like to say that motherhood and being a wife would be sufficient and fulfilling, however, as much as I love it, that is not so. I had wanted a profession in the medical field for as long as I can remember. I never thought of doing anything else. When I finally accepted that being a doctor would be impossible if I would want to have a family, not having gone to school before, I did not despair. I decided to look for more mom-friendly medical professions.
Taking this preparatory course, I realized that although others can be mom and student simultaneously, I can not. I have to give my all to anything that I do and two important and difficult things together is impossible. My grade and my present status of being a mom do not allow me to do anything different. I can not afford full-time babysitting and cleaning help and therefore, I will not be able to get any career that entails schooling.
All I can think about is the fact that once my children are out of my house and have gone their own ways, I will have nothing to do. No offense to secretaries around the world, but that kind of job would never be fulfilling enough for me. And the thought of that being my future is the most depressing thing I can think of.
Well that, and the fact that I am sitting and sort-of writing-spacing-out and my sons just smashed some toy hammers in the wall. Now I will, not only be at home, but also staring at bashed in walls. That just added a few notches to my crappy day. Thank you boys.