I have never met anyone in my life that was more complex and more pessimistic than she was. She had always boggled my mind. Unlike the game of Boggle, no matter how hard I shook her, those obnoxiously loud little cubes did not settle into actual words. Whichever way you turned her, the sequence of letters did not clarify a thing. The words that came from her mouth, or pen, were always far beyond my comprehension. They never fell into their plastic square grid forming logical explanatory words, the dice just tumbled into a muddling mayhem.
She grew up in a loving home and seemed to have passed through all the proper and common channels into adolescence. She was stubborn, unfaltering, and highly motivated. She constantly aimed for perfection. She seemed to a be a typical teenager and average student, everything appeared to be ordinary from a distance. However, from nearby, not so much.
She spoke in riddles, confusing even herself, at times. Her writings were unusually bitter and unhappy, unnaturally gruesome and brooding. There were many mentions of death and darkness and quite an impressive vocabulary, that till this day, I can not make sense of. Behind every word of her poems were strings of meanings and alternate ways of understanding each phrase, even Shakespeare would have been impressed. Read the rest of this entry
I am engulfed with freedom. However, now that it is here, I do not even know where to begin. I had disappeared from the blogworld for quite some time now, due to insane and sometimes lovely pandemonium, as previously and partially mentioned. Now I can do whatever I want.“Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be.” (Karen Ravn) Who can say it better than that? I can do whatever I dream of. Anything but a doctor, lawyer, merchant, or chief, or any high-end professional for that matter. I can’t do anything that would entail prior education because high school wont cover “education”. So that leaves me with an infinitesimal chance of a real career.
I draw. I can make pictures and sell 2-5 a year, on a good year, bringing in a salary of up to 100 bucks. Neh. Not working for me. I can clean people’s houses making 10 dollars an hour, but I will collapse after a week. That wont work either. I enjoy arranging gift baskets, but I need to take out a mortgage to buy even the baskets. I wish I could sing. I may not be able to pull off an Avril Lavigne voice or meet her range, but I can hold a tune. I am definitely not even cute to say ‘I am not as cute and talented as Taylor Swift’. I wonder if I could write a song… I don’t even know where to start.
So being far below amateur in the singing department, it will have to be out of the question. I will save it for my indoor voice. Or shower. Though, I am pretty sure I never sang in the shower. I have an agglomeration of poetry and I yearn to compile it into a book, but I don’t know who would read it. I need to find a way to get poetry from others to build up enough to publish.
I am so busy attempting to identify my worthy ability that I am forgetting my current job. The laundry on the couch refuses to budge. I have tried shouting abracadabra but they only stared at me with wonder. I guess that phrase no longer works. The dishes still remain in the sink, climbing to great heights. At least they have succeeded in the ascent nearly as high as Everest. I am endlessly crunching on Cheerios and Matchbox cars that used to have four wheels before I came around. My son has eaten cookies majority of the day because I am too lazy to figure out what a dairy and nut free kid can eat. I think those people just starve.
Two days free, and nonetheless not a job idea in sight. I am too talented and too capable and no one will hire me due to the fear of severe competition. Those teachers were correct. It has been an issue from my youth. “You are so smart and capable. You just have to learn how to apply yourself.” Now here I sit, and all I apply myself with is face cream on a special night that I find a moment to even shower.
I really have to start at the beginning. Wow.